How to start? I didn't really think I would ever write here again. It is Christmas and Merry Christmas to anyone that will ever read this, even to myself in a couple years' time. Always there is a reason that pushes me to write here: sadness. It is a sadness that doesn't really come together in this Christmas time. Well, actually that's the thing. In this month you see everyone around you smiling and feeling happy and hopeful about his life. I've been one of those people too but today I just can't be like that anymore. Of course, I have plans, of course, there will always be something pushing me to give my best. But I just can't deal with my emotions anymore. It's about love, work, life, friends and all of them together. It is not something you wake up with, it's more of a feeling of insecurity that slowly but steadily shifts in a sense of desperation and inability to go on with your life. One of my few "recent" posts has been about suicide and suicidal thoughts. I'm grown up from those, but probably not in the way I wanted. Days I just wake up thinking that it is not worth it, that at the end of the day whatever you will ever do will be forgotten or misunderstood. I was hanging up cause I found a person that I thought could lead me out of all of this. It has been almost 2 years since my past relationship and I tried to give myself time to heal and wait for the real person that was made for me. We found each other and there was something I can't really explain between us. As you might know, I have been burnt multiple times by love and people, but somewhere inside of me I always kept some hope that the next one was going to be the right one or at least a person that was able to deal with me and could be honest. And once again I got disappointed. She will never read this, luckily, as the previous ones didn't. Cause she would just see even more how miserable and stupid I have been since the beginning. I believed in her, I believed in us. I wanted to give her all I could and to show her that I was exactly who she needed and she was the same for me. I never had the time. She decided that it was not worth trying, it wasn't worth the wait. I wasn't worthy. I cried, I got angry, I even texted her something stupid. Like we all do when we are in pain and have no idea how to deal with it. It saddens me knowing that she will never know how far I was ready to go just cause I believed in everything she does. Last time I talked to her I had the courage to tell her, even knowing that those were wasted words as she took already her decision, that I never met such a person like her. Those, useless, boring words, that every person uses and that she replied with an arctic cold "yeah, right". The same reaction she had when I said those three infamous words. Those three overused terms that most people confuse with a lot of different feelings. I am not any different, giving them to people that deserved them, but never meant that much to me. There is just one person that I can freely say ever loved, as much as this sentence costs me. And she was the second. And it hurts. It hurts that I wasted my forces to be the best for her. And you might say that it never works when you want to change for the other person. I partially agree. When you enter a relationship you necessarily leave parts of you behind, because you want to be the best you can, and cause you want to change first of all for yourself. She is the motivation. But she will never know this, she didn't just want me, it's so easy and yet so damn difficult to accept. Add to that the fact that I was ready to put on pause everything I planned in these years for her. Before meeting her I was sure I was going to leave Italy, and for her, I was ready to stay here, cause I learned from the past, and distance destroys relationships, I don't care what people say. But here I am now, doing a job I don't even enjoy anymore, in a place that I don't feel mine and with memories of her all around me. It is just getting too much. I am not that strong. I have never been and will never be. The only thing I know how to do is run away: from pain, from that sensation that the problem isn't in the others but is just in you. It is just me. Just this weak, physically grown-up little boy. There is something missing in me and I just can't find what it is. For how much I try to figure it out I just get more and more of the worst of who I am. Blaming humanity is never the answer, especially when you should realize how much of a selfish person you are. It's easy to see now. While writing this and re-reading what's above it's obvious: just take a look of how many times I say "I". As if the entire world should follow me and deal with the bullshit that my life is.
It is for all these reasons that the time has come for me as well to let all of this go. To change drastically my life and the way it all works. A real cut is needed. Physical, mental, just letting all of this go and try to restart all over again.
I decided to go after the Silk Road, and follow it from Venice to Shanghai, in a 1,2 or even more years, without catching any plane.
I started talking about it with my friends and family and between support and calls to the psychiatrist (just kidding) the response was a lot like "are you really sure?"
The fact is that no, I'm not sure at all.
But I need to act quickly otherwise I'm not even sure anymore I will even be able to have another Christmas.
But hey, life is good for most people, so I'm happy for all of you. I really am. I wish I could see what you see, I wish I could see all the reasons you see to keep fighting. Maybe I just need to disappear for a while, maybe I need to just disappear forever.
I hope you'll hear from me again :)
In case this won't be the case just please be happy, and never forget to love the people beside you.
Merry Christmas.
